May be it took long time to write this to every one that I have survived and I am living. I cannot and don’t want to explain the rumors about me around in between my friends, my professors, my relatives, my neighbors and so on. Some gossips, “She has changed. Look at how she puts on her eye liner!” .. Change is continuous process and I don’t feel bad about this comment. But what if some one adds up, ” She has changed. Look at how she puts on her eye liner! Putting effort to attract the man. Fake woman!”
Some more comments, “She has become so aggressive after returning from USA”
As I feel grown, I feel bad about being able to understand how people look at me. I feel too frustrated to remind myself that so many unwanted spirits cannot always be avoided. Sometimes, I wish I was a little girl who wouldn’t care about what part of my body people point at or that little one who was innocent and focused on her studies… I wish my little doll would still make me happy.. I wish I could spend my whole day watching Doremon and involve myself in the character of going to school. I want to remain busy solving the game puzzle or building my toy house. I want to stay busy drawing basic art and not be judged. I want to read comics and quiz books. I just want to abandon both the society that live son the Internet and society that doesn’t live on the Internet.
Growing up is pain. Whatever you do is so critically judged that mistakes are so much focused and most of the times discouraged. You know what USA trip was the best days of my life. I was independent, I was free and I was happy. I was a revived soul because people around me carried such positive vibes. I am home and I am surrounded by negative souls.In my society, I am judged. I am judged by every one because I am grown up lady.
Educated friends and teachers carry such negative vibes that doesn’t let me be me or let my soul be free. I wonder what goes by supporting each other. I wonder what you’ll get by discouraging each other? I feel irritated to see the face of my teachers because they carry their own attitude. They treat themselves so superior when all students hate them. They don’t let our ideas be free. They don’t let our ways be free. I have a problem when particularly, my imagination is not free and it is not valued. This is really disturbing. I just want to finish my college as soon as possible.
Now that I know how to live, live free, live with free heart and mind, and may be just travel the world to know myself better, I see the restrictions, I can feel the cruel eyes and leg pullers. I see the interference by the people who shouldn’t even get involved. I update my Facebook status on rage, with pain and with logic. But, I delete that instantly because so many times speaking how I feel doesn’t worth it.
I still wish to be a child who could just be happy playing with firecrackers and a little one who could value 5 Nepali Rupee so much that it could fill me up with ecstasy.
But, at the end, I am grown one and time flies so quickly that I fear to be old. Discouragement and negativity that are so alive in my society had compelled me to lose my passion. I am searching for my inspiration to get them back. I need encouragement. I need positive vibes surrounding me. I need peace.
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