Grandma

If you have a little time to read this, please do.

It is time to remember my grandma in heaven. She is so beautiful and pure! She never hurt one single person in her life. There were no complains at all. I was raised in the lap of my grandma until the day I got married. She danced with me, played with me, sang a song with me. Those wonderful winter days on the roof of our house, yes, she always peeled oranges and we talked about birds & strangers & counted buses in the road.

And then I grew so fast for her. My grandma always reminded to never forget the root and struggle that identifies my family. I have been to the village where she was born and raised. I have heard hundreds stories about her childhood and marriage and struggle.

I got married. She loved my husband. My husband loved her too. What is there not to love about my grand ma and my husband?

she was excited about my future plans but also told me that I would not be able to return back when she leaves this earth.

Well, I got that chance to talk to her via Facebook video calling that morning and she told me that she was fine. She laughed with me that morning and she just decided to shine in heaven the very night.

Hey, but the fact is she has not left me alone. She sends me all signs that amazes me every single time. She communicates with me. I reflect a lot about my life. I come up with questions and she always sends answer via some body out of no where. Isn’t that so cool? She blesses me all the time and I always remember her in happy times and sad times.

We have angels in Hinduisim. We have guardian angels in Christianity. We also have reincarnation in Hinduism. We also have nirvana in Buddhism. We also have science and psychology. We also have spirits. Isn’t it so interesting yet confusing?

What’s the truth? Why and how does my grandma connect to me?

I have decided that it is all about your belief. And, whatever you believe comes true. I believe in my grandma. I believe in her liveliness. I believe in that teachings she left. And, I believe in her blessings.

Scratching human relationships

Have you ever realized that how much we wonder about strangers sometimes? She is wearing nice scarves, his hair, his shoes, her nail colors.. We all do that. We also become judgmental for a while trying to analyse the kind of job a person must be doing. That kind of interests all of us. The only point is when to stop it. Some of us want to dig out more and learn about the person more. Facebook has been so easy to find the person to stalk and admire secretly. Some of us admire unwillingly. Some of us are jealous. Some of us take it as an inspiration. Our ways of admiration is definitely different. Some of us like to ‘like’ any posts on Facebook. Some of us like to pass some ‘love’. Some of us like to read but not do anything. It is all about our personalities.

One of my friends always stalked her crush’s Facebook. No matter they had no idea if they were actually even ‘friends’ in real life. She kept on falling for her. Isn’t it tough? I believe it all depends upon where you want to take it. If you want to keep it simple, it’s all about keeping our brain to think simple. If you want to admire some one openly, it’s should be just about admiring. We all have limits and boundaries. Sometimes I question myself that how easy life would be if the things we think about all the strangers were all reality. It is always like something happening in somebody’s life. It is always that we all are going through some downs and some ups. Some of us just look at in a surface to convince ourselves that only ups are designed for all other people. All other men that you find handsome may not be handsome from inside. And, all women that you find beautiful may not be beautiful from inside either.

Last time I talked with one of my kids’ parent for half an hour. I had never chatted that long with anybody. We stood on the playground and as she went on sharing about her life. Within first few sentences, I sat on my bottom. It shook my heart. I thought she was from a very nice family with less problems. But, I felt so touched when she started sharing her pain of having a medical condition name that I can’t remember right now. She has been suffering from this for whole life and that’s her pain. And all this time I thought she was happier with good status and job.

I get to meet lot of people at my workplace. Last time I met Kony in her apron kind of outfit was 4 months back when she made pop corns for the staffs.  She looked so happy but suddenly she vanished. I figured out that she changed her job when I saw her taking care of old woman in the nursing home. She said that she wasn’t happy with the old job. I said that I missed her making pop corns. She laughed. I thought so much about her and wondered how her life should have been. I don’t think she thought same about me.

Isn’t our life so different? We are so different from each other and the best way to keep it together is to match and fix it. All that I have learned is that it’s easy to stay silent most of the times. No matter, in another perspective it’s not that easy to stay quiet. For some it is so tough to start the conversation. For others, it’s so easy to start and even make new relations. The ones who are always taking time are the ones who think so much and fight with feelings about what steps to take. Most of the times it is like a pendulum. To go to the right or left.  We don’t always compliment to each other. When two introverts collide, they might end up with something but they might lose interest within with times trying to understand so deep too. It’s quite complicated.

One of my friends always keeps on asking what I write every night. I answer her that there are lot of things that keeps on bugging my mind. I meet so many people and some of them catch my attention for something. Something may be their ambition, their personality, their thoughts, their pain , their stories, their individuality…. I take lot of time to think about it before I take further action about it. I give time to who deserves. I say ‘hello’ and I might stop it out of discomfort. I observe more. I can find it easy to thank somebody for something but can stop talking for a while. It doesn’t mean I am not admiring the person. May be I like it but I take time to talk.  And, I never know who is thinking of me. I never know who is distantly watching me. Probably, this is why the approaches towards human relationships are so diverse.

My society’s rules

My society, enough of your confusing designs

to make yourselves look like zen

have you ever tried looking from my glasses

how tough it is to find the way out

in the drawings you made?

My eyes hurt lurking over the rays of the sun

waiting to compensate my life with for long run

dying to talk to you to your brains

protesting all over ‘my body my rights’

and that no it is not me that you think is wrong

it is the patriarchal perceptions that you have since long

to tell me what to wear and what not to because at times you rip off my clothes

dragging me with blood spilling in your corridor quickly scrubbing and wiping the blood marks

to hide that no it is not you.

and at times you tell me to cover everything up

Has ever covering up helped me w hen i m raped most of the times in burqa

knocking me down to my knee?

would you be happy if your laugh is disgusted?

i know i can smile because in your design a female cannot laugh louder

My happiness is controlled by you forever

To the way what i should talk and what i should not

that how my battle should be fought

That you think putting my opinion is not nice

When your daily criticism is so acceptable towards my cooked rice

What she cooks good and what not, All over society with bla bla

No.. she must cook good.. Oh  he doesn’t know how to make a tea.

That’s alright.

Oh yes at what time to leave home and at what time to return

What to drink and what not to downturn

If you do hard drinks, you are usual, you are just trying to relax

If I do the same, I am a whore, I want men, I am out of my tracks

The same red light that you’ve making through every night

Is something that you think for you is always right

But in the corner, you see your slut

Devastated of the money her body was bought

You go there and you are vigorous

She is bought there and she is promiscuous

Okay, okay you are not such a man

Who spends night with another woman

You got your wife,

You danced in your wedding and that was fun

Your wife danced two steps and for life she was done

You came with a license to design the routine for your wife

And rape her in the name of marriage for life.

Is it not hard to explain why same thing is acceptable for men

And same is so wrong for women

Is it not so vague to understand why even

educated society makes rules for you

And, grows our girls with the same patriarchal  hue

Cover another women with the same veil

With everyday conflicts in the in-laws’ jail

Every body is so rooted to same old ideology

Cos we teach our sons and daughters the same ‘low voice’ modesty

No.. I think I don’t want to live by your rule

Your holy book that confines the justice and I have no clue

I don’t want to let you dominate my girls’ mind to follow you

the faulty book of ethics written that shades the freedom, that is due.